i'm gonna need you to hear me out on this one. just give me a chance to explain and plead my case before you write it off. agreed? ok.
i would like to talk to you about my respect for herpes.
[lol @ some of you thinking i was about to announce that i have herpes. shame on you.]
no, i do not have the herp-biscuits, and that's a good thing. i know having herpes isn't pleasant for anyone, but this post is not about the humans that are affected by the herpes simplex virus, it is about the virus itself. see, when it comes to stds, there is no greater example of courage and persistence than herpes. and i think its sheer determination and never-say-die attitude should be acknowledged.
chlamydia? she all quiet. she got you, but she ain't letting you know. she be whispering all over your genitals but she don't never show her face. in short? she's a punk.
crabs? they be crawling all over you, scratching, scratching, scratching away at your ting-tings. they can be defeated with just one medicated shampoo, but not before they've got the whole office talking about how you couldn't sit still all day. you ain't getting no play at the christmas party now. in short? they're cock blockers.
but herpes? he be like BOOM. "i'm here. you see me. what?" then you hit him with the meds. y'all tussle. you win. he's gone. but while he's leaving he shoots you a look over his shoulder and says "i'll be back, foo. please believe it." and he's right. sure as the valtrex is blue, that dude returns like a trusty boomerang, again and again and again. he's like bad boy circa 1996, he can't stop, won't stop.
can't we all learn something from him?
so here's what i suggest. let's take a word, laden with negative connotations, and make it positive. let's start using the word herpes in relation to our perseverance, to our commitment. here are some ways you can use the new herpes in a sentence:
"paula be blocking my calls, so i'ma go to her house instead. i want her back. i won't give up. i'm on that herpes, son."
"this is the third declined application i've got from a job this week; but i gotta keep going so i can feed these kids. i'm grinding like herpes, son."
"you see how the lakers were down in game four, but they came back hard in the third quarter? fisher was on that herpes, son!"
what do you think???
what's that you said? it's not possible? of course it is! it's totally possible to seamlessly redefine a word, shedding it of its negative history. i mean we did it for the n-word right?
i mean, barack is president!
yes we can!
fine. i'll be back with this again though. please believe it. i stay on that herpes, son.