there's something so delightful about butterflies. not the insects [although they are lovely too], but the ones that flutter in your tummy when your mind runs on that special someone. it's a split-second of emotional freefall. a feeling similar to that moment when you hit the ground floor in a lift [that's an elevator, for you yankee doodle dandies].
although i am a strong believer in love, i don't believe in being "in love". well, it's not that i don't believe in it, it's that i don't understand the need for the distinction. one reason for my stance is that i feel the separation of love vs. in love sets up a shitty dynamic whereby we begin to file all the beautiful things about a relationship under being in love, and that in turn gives us license to file a whole bunch of crap under love. so him giving you butterflies? that's cos you're in love with him. the reason you stay after he's cheated on you? that's cos you love him. womp womp. [i will definitely blog about this love vs. in love problem more at a later date, cos i have a lot to say on the matter, but that's not what this blog is about.]
so back to the butterflies: i don't believe they should be reserved for dating, or for the early stages of a relationship. i want to feel them after 50 years of marriage when all my teeth have fallen out and i can tie my breasts in a knot. i want to lay eyes on my wrinkly husband, smell his musty pee-peppered scent, and feel those butterflies [probably more like moths at this stage] like i did when we were on our first date. yes, i believe that butterflies are forever, just like diamonds and herpes.
and of all the signs that confirm that i like someone, none is harder for me to ignore than butterflies. even when i don't want a relationship, even when it doesn't make sense, even when it's not the right time, even when i'm not trying to see him that way, even when i have no plans to follow through...as soon as i feel those wings fluttering in my gut, i know it's a wrap. and just like i wonder about the lift falling through the shaft when it hits the ground floor, i ponder if i too am about to fall.
not fall in love, you understand, but into it.