eighty.seven

ladies, i need your help!

how do you sneeze without slobbering on yourself?

i don't think i've always had this problem. i seem to remember a time when my sneezes were cute and feminine. little achoos that would garner 'aaaaws' from those around.

but now?

now i sneeze into my hands and pause, hoping that people don't see, knowing that i'm gonna have to wipe my palms on something [sometimes my clothes. i know! it's nasty].

how do i get back to the dainty ones? the ones where people ask if i sneezed at all? the ones i can do in public? the ones i can do on a date?

sure i could do one of those 'hold it in' sneezes, but i heard they're bad for you. i heard they can burst your eardrums. i heard that a sneeze contains waste matter and you must allow your body to dispel the toxins.

sure i could sneeze into a tissue, but you don't always have time! sometimes a sneeze jumps you from behind; it hijacks your nose and liberates your nostrils before you even know what hit you.

what will i do if i'm sitting across the table from a lovely man that wants to get to know me better? what will i do if i sneeze into my hands and am left with moisture to mop? how do i attend to my oral casualty in such a way that won't lead him to ask for the bill?

help me!

my unborn children need you!