my twitter is dead. my myspace is terminally ill. my facebook is fake. after 10+ years of being a social networking glutton: i am full. i can't eat another bite.
it's the end of an era for me. the internet provided me with a non-physical space to express myself and experience a camaraderie with my contemporaries that was lacking in my life in my teens and early twenties. myspace changed my life in so many ways; i discovered there were many kindred spirits all over the world that thought, dressed and felt like me, i found music that i never would have heard on the radio, i made friends online that became friends offline, i found love.
but now this social networking lark feels too fragmented. now it feels too time-consuming. now it feels too demanding to ensure my online representation is in alignment with who i am, or how i'm feeling, or what i'm doing 'right now'. now lol's and omg's feel empty. it's not fun anymore. there was a time when three days without the internet would have had me feeling lost, my life was on there you see; but when i shut my computer down...i effectively shut my life down. i didn't have the social life i felt i had; what i did have was an incredibly powerful illusion of a social life which i clung to with steadfast might. but even air can begin to feel heavy in a tightly clenched fist.
this is not about anybody else, just me. i have no position on what internet usage says about you and your life, i can't possibly know. i'm sharing this partly because people have asked me why i shut my twitter down, and partly because this unpacking of my thoughts is cathartic. be clear though, i do not hate the internet, far from it. i don't know who i'd be or who i'd know if i wasn't given the gift of dial up at 16 yrs old. i'm indebted to those that laid the tarmac on this information super-highway that has been so good to me for so long. but today, 'right now', i don't feel compelled to drive on it like i used to.
i work with people that i adore, that i laugh with all day long. i talk to new people every day, communicating with eye contact and facial expressions instead of emoticons. i call my friends on the phone and meet them for dinner and a movie instead of seeing them in my buddy list every day but not seeing them for months. i no longer want to create pages about who i am that force me to consider how i look to an imagined audience, i just live for me.
so this is now my only internet home. i am in the process of setting up a tumblr for my fiction work [i'm soooooooo excited!], but this is the only place i will use to share my thoughts. i'm still not sure why this blog has survived my internet shutdown spree, but i am sure it will be revealed to me in time.
so it turns out that the internet was unable to give me what i really wanted, and that what i have now is more than i secretly believed possible. consequently, you can no longer find me in the tweets, because i'm in the london streets [corniness intact]. my posts may be sparse, but my life is plentiful. it's kind of weird. i guess a broken compass will still guide you somewhere: and i guess i am here.
farewell social networking, i won't brb :)
"...a gift that cannot be given away ceases to be a gift. the spirit of a gift is kept alive by its constant donation."
- lewis hyde on creative talent from 'the gift: how the creative spirit transforms the world'
today, i have fallen in love with a woman. her name is mary martin.
above is a tiny selection of her wonderful relief sculptures. there are others on display at the tate britain. that is where i first laid eyes on her. her art struck me as bold and futuristic, perhaps a commentary on the failings of modern freedom which has ironically manifested as refined bondage. how very millennium i thought. imagine my surprise when i learned that mary passed away in 1969.
she is my new crush. i want to see everything she has made. i want to sit in front of her work with a pen and pad; absorb her concepts and translate them into my own language before channeling the transmuted energy into my literary creations. yes. i am in love.
"the end is always to achieve simplicity but the means and processes are often complex because one is not repeating a performance of something that has gone before."
- mary martin
my mother told me
when flame meets skin
and flame wins
its heat-light burning through
vaseline won’t do
and she was right
the sweet, sticky medicine made shapes on my pores
before spreading out to give my skin room to
and in two days you couldn’t even see
when i heard the unthinkable news
my beating heart got hot
it scalded my lungs
set my gasps on fire
and left my chest plate charred
i had nothing
then in the broken silence i heard the words
and so here i lay
gold smeared on convex breasts
trying to reclaim my breath
hoping that in two days
i will not feel