#if i could get over that hump/then maybe i will feel better#
- erykah badu 'that hump'

humps. barriers. obstacles.

before i left to LA i'd been thinking about humps. i wasn't contemplating the nature of them as much as i was evaluating my response to those that i've come up against. i've certainly faced some high hurdles in my life, but looking back i'm not sure how often i've jumped over them. i mean, things always work out, in so much as that life goes on. there is nothing that we can lose that will end our lives, unless it's our lives that we're losing. so when humps appear, and then disappear, it's easy to surmise that we overcame. but do we always?

on reflection, i don't think i've really jumped over all the hurdles in my life that demanded i do so. there are some i've crawled through, some i've walked around, some have been blown over by the wind, some have been knocked down by others, and then there are those that i've just stared at waiting for them to fall down without my help. there have been times when i've really fought [with a 100% success rate], but a lot of my fighting is primarily or totally internal. my idea of fighting has been to declare [sometimes just to myself] that i'm unhappy about a situation. but being angry and creating internal resistance to a situation is not the same as actively fighting to change it. to fight is to
do, not just think. there are times when all we can do is try to think something better, but even then our thoughts should be positive, they should focus on what we want, not just huff and puff at the current situation.

the form of a hump is so unfortunate. as you're walking up the side it gets higher, steeper and harder to climb. as your energy depletes, the journey toughens. perhaps that's why i've stood at the bottom of them, shaken my head, and walked away.

but, due to what can only be described as a serious health problem [which
has affected my ability to eat and for which there is no conclusive diagnosis. notice that i've dropped about 40 lbs in the past two years?], i stand at the foot of a hump that i can't avoid. my second day in LA was hell. not only could i not eat, i couldn't drink either. nothing stayed down. it's not the first time this has happened to me, and it may not be the last, but for the first time since this whole thing started my approach to the hump was different. so i climbed, i climbed understanding that the day would continue to get harder as i got weaker. by the time the sun set i was spent. what can you give when you have nothing left?

and then it hit me. the toughest point on the hump is the step just before you reach the top. only a fool would roll back down to the bottom at that point, right? it is then, when you really do have nothing left in the tank, that you must take one more step in good faith. one more step and you can stand at the top, take a breath, look down at the hill you've climbed and get ready to enjoy sliding down the other side.

perhaps i've given humps a bad rap all these years. i'm gonna keep climbing.

my climbing tools


  1. this came at just the right time. I've just started on my climb towards following my heart. it wasn't the easiest decision to make...but it is the decision that will grant me the most happiness and joy. so here i am at this point and juncture taking a few steps...the climb is steep i know it already...but the pay off is well worth it.

  2. Climb on, Femi, climb on!