fifty.four

i had a job interview yesterday. it didn't go so well. i haven't heard whether or not i got the job, but i'm not too optimistic about it. business-speak is really not my forte. i can talk someone's head off in a social situation [although i'm getting less chatty as i get older], but if you ask me about the day job i draw a blank. i had so many brain farts during the interview that i came out of there wishing that the other interviewees were really bad. you know it didn't go well when you have to wish ill on another person. when you knowingly sow the seeds of your bad karma because you really need the scrilla. i beat myself up about my lacklustre performance all the way home, but by the time i stepped into my house the energy had begun to shift.

see, this career, this way that i make money, is not my passion. the disappointment in not getting the job would be because of the financial repercussions, but not the spiritual ones. in fact, the more i connect with how unimportant the day job is, the more i begin to dread getting the call telling me that i have the job. the thought of sitting at a desk for eight hours, concentrating on something that doesn't nurture the most precious parts of me makes my soul die a little. at this point, getting a day job feels like a lose-lose situation.

but: i need money. i need money to pay for food, travel and clothes. to pay for my phone, to pay off my credit card and to treat myself to the occasional live music event. money is the only reason i prostitute the most productive hours of my day to these employment agency pimps and their clients. and when i say 'prostitute' i'm not even using hyperbole. i feel like julia roberts in pretty woman when i'm at these jobs: "sure, i'm here for all the good hours in the day to give these people what they want, but i don't kiss this job on the mouth."

i returned from LA with a crystal clear vision of how i want my life to look. perhaps i'm unrealistic, perhaps i'm immature, but i don't want any part of my life to reside outside of that which contributes to my overall health. i don't want to work a shitty job but have a great time on the weekends. i don't want to have the best friends but a boyfriend that i fight with all the time. i don't want to live in the house of my dreams next to neighbours i can't stand.

in addition to the sun, sea, fresh air and good people i must be surrounded by; i want to share my writing with anyone that cares to read it. not just through blogs, but through the two books i'm writing, through the editorial journalism that i'm about to get back into, and through my poems. i want to eat from that which feeds me. i want to sit down to breakfast knowing that it is my musings on faith that made it possible, i want to drink my dedication, i want to dine on my belief in love. but when do i start doing this? in the future? when a, b, c or x, y, z are in place? when things are stable? when i have the time? ha! we all know how that goes, i'll be waiting forever. so...the best time is now, right? yes, it is.

so: hear ye, hear ye!

i will be publishing a book of poems very soon.

it will be a book of - asides* -.

i will only print 100 copies.

the dream starts today.


love.



[shout out to meen]