thirty.nine

LA.3

i think i was quite a quiet child, but from a young age i've been someone that talks to myself...out loud. if you catch me off-guard you can hear me exploring my thoughts and even going so far as to ask myself questions. i've walked past people in the street that talk to themselves aloud and thought they were crazy, and i've had people in soft-soled shoes pass me in the street from behind when i'm doing the same thing and hoped they didn't think i was crazy.

but, more than talking to myself, i somehow got into the habit of talking to others when talking to myself [why do i share these private things that make me seem hella crazy?]. when someone upsets me i can get into a good 10 minute tirade explaining how and why they fucked up. they're not there, but that doesn't stop me breaking it all the way down. and on the flip-side i can also spend a good 10 minutes telling someone why they're special to me. they're not there, but that doesn't stop me breaking it all the way down.

and aside from being happy and sad, i seem to have got into the more dangerous habit of sharing my vulnerable, sensitive, innocent thoughts/feelings with the invisible reps of people i care about. they're not there, but that doesn't stop me...you know where this is going. the day before i was going to meet up with a special friend of mine in LA, i found myself talking to his ghostly twin and telling it things that i've never told him. and then i just stopped. dead in my tracks just stopped.

this doesn't count.

this doesn't count.

this doesn't count.

jeebus, i gotta stop doing this.

i guess this is why i've gone off on boyfriends before, thinking they knew things about me that i actually never told them. or why in my mind i've cursed a whole bunch of people out, when in reality i've just smiled and walked away.

now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing inherently wrong with talking to yourself. in truth i don't think there'll ever be a time when i don't talk to myself aloud. i think it keeps you on the wrong edge of the sanity border [and i think that's where creative people should live]. but i gotta stop only being brave about the shit that really, really matters to me when i'm alone; and then wondering why people don't know the real [you ain't tell 'em, bitch!].

so, did i tell him?

no.

it just never came up.

but if it ever does, i promise i'll speak my truth.

in the studio at kpfk for the truth seekers show
[catch them every friday night from 1-3am PST]