one.hundred.forty.eight

did i mention that my face is on the cover of the latest ep from a race of angels?

when i was asked if my picture could be used as the cover, i did not fully understand what it meant. my big old grill is on amazon, itunes and last.fm.

more important than my face is the music though. so please visit cdbaby, purchase the ep for only $2.99, and support some beautiful music from a beautiful heart, and one of my favourite people on this blue earth.

one.hundred.forty.seven

i have acquired an understanding of addiction over the past few years. through my health problems, which affected my ability to eat, i have grown an incredible amount of compassion for people we label as 'addicts'.

on days when i couldn't eat i could think of nothing else but eating. if i tried to eat and couldn't keep it down then there were days i would get trapped into a cycle of eating and throwing up. some days it was very hard to stop. the worst thing was that it wasn't the food i wanted, it wasn't the food i was determined to eat. it was that the food began to represent my pain. my determination was really a desire to conquer my health problem, and at that time i was trying to achieve that through food, because that was how my health issues had manifested. somebody suggested i was bulimic. i wasn't. but i appreciated how thin the line was, no pun intended.

last year i read an incredible article by adam phillips entitled insatiable creatures.

"...our excessive behaviour shows us how obscure we are to ourselves or how we obscure ourselves; how our frustrations, odd as this may seem, are excessively difficult to locate, to formulate. Wherever and whenever we are excessive in our lives it is the sign of an as yet unknown deprivation. Our excesses are the best clue we have to our own poverty, and our best way of concealing it from ourselves."

whether through a bottle, a pill, a needle, sex, food or cutting; those who display excessive behaviour are in search of something. it is something these things can never satisfy. they are trying to catch a ride to freedom in a vehicle that can not take them there. i feel nothing but compassion for people battling addiction. we all display addictive behaviour and traits to some extent. we are no different to 'addicts', we are just resting in a different place on the continuum.

do you remember city high?

 

toby, claudette & robby

a couple of days ago, robby was featured on the a&e television series intervention. he has been an alcoholic for 10 years. he is a man with a big heart, that has suffered some big breaks. by the end of the show i was crying like a baby. this was such powerful television. i highly recommend you set 40 mins aside to watch it. if you are in the US then you can watch the full episode on the a&e website. if not, then you can watch it here.

i felt so thankful after watching this. the universe somehow managed to keep me on the right side of love. tonight i'll be saying a prayer for those one step away from that line and much less fortunate than me.

one.hundred.forty.six

it's a real shame when two people love each other, but can't function happily in the same space.

one.hundred.forty.five

a friend of mine asked me a question yesterday that i am still carrying in my pocket:

"do you trust your emotions?"

the three second silence which preceded my response said more than the answer i gave. the answer can only be no. i haven't always been happy with what i do with my emotions, but it seems that making positive steps to change how i react to, express and demonstrate my emotions has caused me to dissect and subsequently doubt the emotions themselves. this defeats the purpose of my pursuit. not good. especially not good because passion can not share a house with doubt.

i have always been a passionate person. i have often kept it silenced in a corner, and perhaps that is why i have nearly always exploded into romantic relationships [where passion is required] with pent-up fervor not always belonging to the man i attached it to. well something has to give, because the only person i'm loving right now is me; and i deserve all the heat and light the fire in my belly has to offer.

how do you rehabilitate a passionate person living with an addiction to reflexivity that once helped and is now harming?

i know how, and here is what i'm going to do.

i'm going to don my 'fuck it' cape.

i'm gonna feel every dirty scrap of emotion that i collect from the streets of my life experiences, and if they make me want to scream then i'm going to holler at the highest frequency my voicebox will allow. life is a messy, overlapped, colour outside the lines, bleed through the page to the page underneath kind of game. i want to play for real.

so seriously: fuck it.

not because i don't care.

but because i really do.

one.hundred.forty.four

to be your woman

i’d run on glass

barefoot and proud

i’d eat fire

laced with chillies picked from my garden

where the flowers grow wild

in homage to the freedom love provides

i’d destroy brick walls

with only my will

to demonstrate my staying power

then build them ten storeys higher than they stood

to demonstrate my commitment

to being better

to be your woman

i’d cry all the tears you gave me

save them in a glass jar

blown by an old man in china

that has been around the world as many times as i have dreamt

how your lips must taste

and keep that jar in a safe

under your side of the bed you do not sleep in

but will once you discover

that i have made a space

in my everything

for you to call home

and placed the key

on the soft side of the moon

for you to collect

in exchange for your fear and caution

so

as soon as you can

please run through our front door

rest your cheek on my breast

carry me to our garden

lay me down on the wild flowers

as your woman

and provide the freedom

i know

is found

only

in

your love

one.hundred.forty.three

i've started writing so many blogs and have then deleted them for one of, or a combination of, the following reasons:

a. it'll take too long to write
b. it would sound better if you heard it, as opposed to read it
c. i don't think anyone will care about the content
d. it's too private to share

what kind of blogger does that make me? yes. a crap one.

perhaps my blogging days are behind me :-/






























nah.

i gotta figure this shit out!

one.hundred.forty.two

have you checked out www.thisdidnthappen.com yet?

it's really good!

and if you have been there, and liked what you read, have you told someone about it?

you really should!

one.hundred.forty.one

outrageous nipple hair :(

one.hundred.forty

do not make a new year's resolution.

endeavour to be your resolution.